“Sheltering in place” is my opportunity to discover what is growing in my heart. Retirement for me is all about falling in love. Her name is Anima and she and I have deepened our love for each other ever since I retired in 2007. We have talked together about everything and have been through many challenging situations together. Keeping a journal throughout these past twelve years has helped to remember details – the quotes below.

Beware! It’s all my perspective. Balance for another day.

animaMy first view of her back in 2007 was from 20 feet away. She had long flowing hair below her shoulders and she wore a gown that made it easy to see the shape of her body. She looked to be 19 or 20 years old, said nothing, and I knew she was made for me. We crossed paths again six months later in January 2008 at a meeting of teachers.

I recalled in my journal that she was “mature, smart, alert, very attractive and the focus of my attention,” and also very helpful to the people around her at the meeting. I tried getting her attention by saying things I thought were funny. She was not impressed and I was embarrassed.

With time, she forgave me, and our relationship grew. A few years later, I wrote that she became “mysterious, quiet and serious” and before long “simple, holy, humble and always very attractive.”

Along the way, we shared some amazing experiences captured in my heart and recorded forever through the words in my journal. 

She has held many positions of leadership in the social services field—always professional, calm and results-orientated. 

I wrote that “while working in an assisted living facility, she cared for an elderly gentleman who had once been active and a leader in his field. Now he was obviously forgetful. She was so patient with him.”

She also has helped me write many proposals for different social services projects. Often she is met with criticism on her ideas, but she keeps trying. A recent project she embraced was organizing an event to celebrate my life. She was clear with me that she welcomed my ideas for the event but that she would be the final arbiter of the day.

One rather tense time for both of us was the day she gave birth to our son in 2010. We were a long distance away from any doctor or hospital and I was the only help she had. My words that morning: “When the little guy’s head started to show, I wondered if I could help him out, and decided instead to encourage Anima to push. Great relief to hear him cry.”

From time to time her social conscience and big mouth got us in trouble. On one occasion in Syria she was to be punished for speaking out in favor of women’s rights. The authorities were going to cut the back of her hand. My apolitical words at the time were: “We were traveling through a foreign country not noted for its citizens’ rights or fairness. She insists on pushing the bar on some behavior not allowed in that country. I cannot recall the nature of it. She gets caught and they decide they are going to cut the back of her hand as a punishment. I’m not sure what effect it will have on her ability to use her hand but suspect it will cause her to lose its use. It takes me only a short moment to decide to offer my hand instead.”

Of course we have had our ups and downs. Sometimes I’ve been a little late on being there for her. Other times I’ve tried a little too hard to help. Over the years, with her help, I’ve realized when to step up and when to step back. I have learned that love can often mean stepping back. 

At least on one occasion, we decided to get counseling together. It was my idea and she surprised me by being open to it. In typical Anima style, she even pointed out several personal traits she thought I needed help with. “We had a counselor that understood my interests. He was good but also helped me see things that my wife wanted me to understand. Sometimes I wondered if he was a little too understanding of her. After all, I was paying him. But I did realize he had my best interest at heart.”
Conclusion

These are but a few glimpses from the many pages of a journal that captures my love affair with Anima. I am reminded of the love affair between Rick and Lisa in the 1942 film Casablanca. I have often said to my Anima the Bogart line, “Here’s looking at you, kid.” In the movie, Rick and Lisa are physically separated by events of war but will never be so in their hearts. Similarly, Anima and I will never be separated by anything because she is my dream. She visits me at night from the deepest recesses of my unconscious. She is as real as those angels who visited Joseph and Mary to advise their “Yes.” 

What is your Anima up to?
Ed Phelan, 79, (phelane@gmail.com) has used his pandemic time at home to review his dream journal dating back to 2008. Anima, as defined by Carl Jung, is the leading female character in so many dreams.